Boundaries Save You From Yourself
Recently, I shared with someone a boundary that I’d set. Specifically, I told the person how I’d come to terms with the fact that our wants were incompatible. I wanted thing A, and I’m not willing to give on it. They want thing B, aren’t willing to give on that, and want me to give in to their thing. One of us accepts what is while the other wants what they want, even if it is not what the other wants (or needs).
Essentially, I said, “Look, we’ve come ’round this mountain long enough. I’m not doing this anymore and this is how my new boundary will impact how I engage you.”
In turn, they reiterated all of the reasons why thing B was great despite the fact that none of those things satisfied my concerns. They kept trying to make thing B appealing. Here’s the thing: parts of thing B are appealing!!! They kept reiterating these things because they wanted me to betray my own boundary!!! The worst is when you do it to yourself, isn’t it!
Because there is NO room for thing A and thing B to coexist, I had to end the conversation because…guess what??? If it had continued, we would’ve gone ’round the mountain AGAIN. Patterns are hard to break, including counterproductive ones.
Here’s my point about boundaries: your mama was on to something when she said, “I can show you better than I can tell you”. You have to be ready for resistance – YOURS AND THEIRS!
When you set boundaries, you have to be clear about why you set that boundary and what you’ll lose if it’s violated. Relapsing to the familiar is enticing because it’s familiar. The problem is that we forget about the angst, disappointment, overwhelm, or whatever it was that caused you to set the boundary in the first place.
If you struggle to set boundaries, start keeping a journal of every experience that you have that consistently brings you pain. Write down what was going on when you fell back into the trap, how yucky it feels, and how long it took to stop being mad (AT YOURSELF!!!!) and feeling…..stupid. The next time you’re tempted to give in, think about what it’s going to cost you.
