When Love is Opaque – Are You Blind to Love?

Love could be starring me in the face, and I just might miss it.
I could be blind to love.
This is definitely a pattern.
I see it in lots of my relationships. I bet you see parts of this in yourself.

They were paying on a debt they didn’t create.

Back in the day, my dad had a girlfriend named Janet. Janet’s son, my half-brother, was four years younger than me. When I was about eight, my maternal grandmother sent me to Cleveland to spend the summer with my father.

I did NOT, in fact, spend the summer with my father.

I spent that summer being passed between an older maternal cousin who lived nearby, my paternal grandmother and my Aunt Linda who lived together, Aunt Bettye… AND JANET.

As a matter of fact, I spent most of that summer between Janet’s house and Grandma’s house.

I’m not sure why, but I never felt particularly attached to my father’s family. I think there was a period in which our relationships could’ve gone from perfunctory to genuine, but I wasn’t around them enough to push it over the line. For that matter, with the exception of one paternal aunt, none of them made any meaningful effort to build a relationship, not even after I got older. To this day, I still don’t know why I felt compelled to attend my paternal grandmother’s funeral. I wasn’t hurt at all. Since I’ve never felt loved or hated by them, I think I went in search of something that would make me miss them. I wanted to be able to say, “I’m coming back” with integrity. Instead, all we’ve seen of each over the last 10 years has involved black dresses and limos. Are you missing love?

She was helping to pay someone’s bill.

The bright, and perhaps odd, spot in my connection to my father’s family is Janet. I don’t know how long she dated my father, although I do know they broke up when I was about 13. No matter what happened between them, she seemed to really like me.

During that summer visit to Cleveland, she spent a lot of time with me. In hindsight, I’m betting that my dad pawned me off on her (this might be part of the reason that I’ve never dated a man with kids). I spent a lot more time with her than I did with him.

I felt safe with Janet, and she made a good bologna sandwich.

Recently, Janet found me on TikTok. As a matter of fact, this is the third time Janet has sought me out. Until now, I’ve been kind of standoffish. I mean, what could she possibly want with me? My half-brother, her son, died in 2021. Not only did she and my father break up, he married another woman. Then, he died.

So, for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why she was seeking me out. Whenever I would bump into her on a chance visit to Cleveland, she’d embrace me. On the occasions that I spoke with my father or his other children, they’d often share, “Janet asked about you.” Then, a thought hit me: maybe, just maybe, she really liked me. Maybe I wasn’t merely her boyfriend’s daughter. Do you overlook love?

As I sat with Janet’s DM, I thought about why it’s hard for me to believe that she could actually be interested in me—perhaps, she even loves me. Maybe I’ve been blind to love  – especially when it isn’t tethered to obligations – all along.

If love isn’t wearing a cape, what does it do?

To be honest, I’ve also noticed that it’s hard for me to embrace the idea that people actually love me, especially if they aren’t family or otherwise obligated to me. If I’m even more honest, I’m not sure that I know what it looks like, if it isn’t transactional.

Here’s what I mean: I have no doubts about being likable. Most (normal) people like to talk to me and find that I am fun to be around, but that’s not love to me. On a good day and a full cup of coffee, I can hold a conversation with anybody, from the CEO to a stump. That’s simply the price you pay to engage.

As I kept thinking about this inability to put my finger on what love is, I realized that I associate love with being rescued or “doing something for me.” The irony is that when someone does do something for me, it’s still hard for me to see love. Then, the question becomes, “What do they want from me?” or “Will they throw this in my face?” Sometimes, terror sets in, “What if I can’t pay them back?” This is the voice of someone blind to love, always bracing for the catch.

In my life, love—especially from my family—has always been complicated, which may explain why I’ve been blind to love. Yes, they care about about me deeply… But love has almost always been a transaction or trade, guilt trip in the face of imperfection, a rebuke for not wanting to sacrifice my personal goals and needs for the group (even when we wanted or needed very different things), and a constant reminder that the payment for my quest for happiness is an undeserved tax to someone. Sidebar: Running On Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb is powerful resource for understanding unmet emotional needs show up in our lives. What’s especially helpful is that is doesn’t frame the person as broken. Rather, it explores the circumstances that created emotional gaps and patterns – blindness to love. 

Choosing Love Rather than Obligation

So, in comes Janet. I have no place to put her—our connection, Elimelech and Naomi’s son, has died. As a matter of fact, their grandson has also died. Meanwhile, for once in my life regarding a family-ish relationship, I am crystal clear that I owe her nothing. She has no chit to cash in. Sidebar: you get bonus points if you know where the Elimelech and Naomi reference comes from.

If you often ask these questions when someone shows up for you, maybe the tapestry of love in your life has some weathered and frayed edges. This struggle to see and receive love also impacts how you show it and give it back. If you’ve never felt love that doesn’t require performance, perfection, and sacrifice, it’s no wonder that such is the spirit in which you give it. You’re worn out by the people who love you because you have embraced the idea that you are supposed to sacrifice indiscriminately and pretend that it’s not a burden or big deal.

Is love invisible to you? Your healing is found in your willingness to look inward and ask where your early messages of love came from. Even more healing is found in asking how the people who loved you, but erred in the expression, came to be who they are. The answer is not present in blame, but in clarity.

My Responsibility

Now, I have to decide what to do with Janet, and I will overthink every interaction. What’s more, if the relationship grows, I’ll also consciously decide how transparent I will be. When my life gets crazy, will I let her see me? If she does attempt to help or rescue me, will our relationship become soiled? How will I prevent displays of love from turning into a debt, even if I’m the only person holding the note?

Now that I have clarity, I am responsible for how I show up – even when I’m tempted to be blind to love that asks nothing of me.